Tomorrow I’m having my tubes tied.  Originally I was supposed to have a hysterectomy.  Now don’t get me wrong, my family is perfect, it is complete.  I am 99% ok with this fact.  There is that 1% irrational, emotional woman part of me that will always want 100 babies.  Because babies are so darn cute.  But I digress. Every logical, reasonable, physical, sensible and for the most part emotional part of me realizes and recognizes that this is the best decision I can make.  Long term hormonal birth control is not a good solution.  No one around me would want to be around me.

So why am I struggling with this so much? If I know I’m making the right choice I’m not supposed to struggle right?  At least that’s what I was lead to believe on one of the forums I belong to.  A forum of mothers like myself.  A forum of women, many of whom have gone through the exact surgery I am undergoing tomorrow.  So much for support from your own kind.  So I’m left to ramble it out in cyber-space.

I suppose like so many women I identify myself as a woman partially because I can have a baby.  I love being a mom.   I think I do a pretty good job of it.  I feel extremely blessed to have the children I have.  I know my family is complete.  Sam & I have made this decision together.  It’s just hard.  It’s final.  I have a hard time deciding what to eat for dinner.  I have a hard time deciding what to wear out to eat with friends.  So to make big life altering decisions that I can’t really go back on and change my mind later, its well…hard.  And as it was put to me last night, understandable that I’m struggling with the emotions that go along with it.

Sam & I are currently looking forward to 5 days in San Diego at the end of this month (actually 2 weeks from tomorrow!!) for ComicCon.  It’ll be a nice kid-less getaway, altho I definitely will miss them.

In other news, somehow even while being on the road I managed to loose a couple pounds.  According to my scale I’m now under 200lbs.  Yay me!  Trying to make healthier choices and throw a little bit of activity into my daily life.  The goal I have isn’t so much a pounds lost goal, but a goal to fit into my formal dresses that I currently have (and look smokin hot in) by the January cruise.

So…we rented a mini-van and piled the 15yr old, the 4 1/2 yr old and the 2 month old into the car. Left Saturday early. It’s now Thursday and we’ve seen 3 different hotels, 6 different states, countless strangely named cities, even stranger road signs and one gigantic Superman statue.

We’re headed to St. Louis for a couple days then home. I’ll be happy to get there, but when it’s all over I’ve had a good week. I’m glad we were able to do this.

Battling some mild case of the the baby blues.  Just the typical girl stuff, feeling fat, sleep deprivation.  But I know eventually it all evens out and gets better – and some days that’s what gets me through.  I’ve struggled most of my life with feelings of inadequacy, and its no different right now.  I have an awesome husband who reassures me daily and  helps keep me grounded.  He’s also an amazing dad – I knew that would be the case, but it melts my heart to see him with Megan.   She adores him already, and has had him wrapped around her finger from minute one.

I’m embarking on a weight loss journey.  I need to loose about 85-90lbs.  Not all baby weight.  In fact most of it isn’t baby weight.  It’s stress weight, depression weight, poor choices weight, lack of exercise weight.  3 years ago I started running to relieve stress and I lost 50lbs by doing that and eating less/healthier.  Since then I’ve fallen into a comfort pattern of convenience eating.  Combine that with a stressful job search and a love for eating out plus a struggle with some medical issues and boom the weight piled on.  So my biggest stuggle with the desire to loose weight is my motivation/drive to keep up with it.  I suck at diets and I suck at consistency.  But what’s the mantra?  1 day at a time?  1 pound at time?

Caitlin is excited – she has to “kiss the baby” multiple times in a day – it’s really very sweet.  I only hope she is as excited about the baby when she gets here.

We found out a couple weeks ago we’re having a girl.  Honestly, I’m very excited.  I really didn’t have a preference on sex, and I suppose that sounds odd to some.  Having a boy would have been awesome, but having a girl is just as awesome!

I’ve done a good job of not buying anything – wondering how long I can hold out and resist.  There’s such cute stuff out there.

We leave on Tuesday morning for a week in sunny Florida/Bahamas.  Well at least I hope it’s sunny.  Regardless it’ll be fun – a few days in Orlando then a 3 night Bahama cruise with Sam, his mom and my crazy family  I’m looking forward to a week away!

I’ve been fortunate – for the most part I have been feeling pretty good.  No morning sickness, just exhausted and moody.  Hrm…doesn’t seem too far off normal – pregnancy has just exaggerated this!