Sometimes in life we make decisions that we KNOW are the best decisions deep in the depths of our hearts, logically, physically and emotionally, but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t hard choices. That doesn’t mean that they don’t torment you.
Tomorrow I’m having my tubes tied. Originally I was supposed to have a hysterectomy. Now don’t get me wrong, my family is perfect, it is complete. I am 99% ok with this fact. There is that 1% irrational, emotional woman part of me that will always want 100 babies. Because babies are so darn cute. But I digress. Every logical, reasonable, physical, sensible and for the most part emotional part of me realizes and recognizes that this is the best decision I can make. Long term hormonal birth control is not a good solution. No one around me would want to be around me.
So why am I struggling with this so much? If I know I’m making the right choice I’m not supposed to struggle right? At least that’s what I was lead to believe on one of the forums I belong to. A forum of mothers like myself. A forum of women, many of whom have gone through the exact surgery I am undergoing tomorrow. So much for support from your own kind. So I’m left to ramble it out in cyber-space.
I suppose like so many women I identify myself as a woman partially because I can have a baby. I love being a mom. I think I do a pretty good job of it. I feel extremely blessed to have the children I have. I know my family is complete. Sam & I have made this decision together. It’s just hard. It’s final. I have a hard time deciding what to eat for dinner. I have a hard time deciding what to wear out to eat with friends. So to make big life altering decisions that I can’t really go back on and change my mind later, its well…hard. And as it was put to me last night, understandable that I’m struggling with the emotions that go along with it.